POST MERRY-TEM: 11 THINGS I LEARNED WATCHING A MONTH'S WORTH OF TVCHRISTMAS MOVIES

Being raised Jewish but getting to celebrate Christmas every year thanks to my uncle's interfaith marriage, I was put in the unenviable position of knowing what I was missing when I turned 15 and his divorce took that Yuletide joy away from me. I've been overcompensating ever since, with a love for all things Christmas that would make the average goyim proud. Having viewed every stop-motion special to the point where they'll now a more effective torture than waterboarding or watching a hipster go hat shopping, a few years ago I turned my attention to a new source of seasonal merriment: cheesy made for TV Christmas movies. Maybe you've never seen one, but you know the type: the kind they show on The Hallmark Channel and Lifetime. Now with Ion Television (formerly Pax) and the faith-based Up TV throwing their hats into the proverbial five golden rings, each new holiday season is saturated with dozens, if not hundreds, of two-hour vehicles filled with Christmas Cheddar. Maybe I had a touch of the holiday blues, but for some reason this year, I made it a point to watch as many as I possibly could. As often occurs with ad nauseam activities, patterns began to emerge, and like a Christmas Cheddar protagonist, I learned a lot. Like . . .

1) DON'T EXPECT ORIGINALITY

This probably sounds obvious, but you may not realize how deep the template river runs. When Dean Cain popped up last year in a movie about Santa Claus being put on trial, I assumed it was The Case For Christmas, in which he plays a small time lawyer for the defense. So I was confused to see him in a sheriff’s uniform, until I finally learned the movie was in fact Defending Santa, a film with virtually the same premise, and one that dates all the way back to the original Miracle On 34th Street. This happens a lot: you'll see the same plot outlines repeated with the frequency of Kardashian family media whoring. 

  

At least they're honest.

Cheesy TV romances that happen to take place in December account for about half these movies, and of these, a high percentage involve key courtship points being instigated by domesticated animals. Usually dogs, presumably because they have more freedom to roam around their respective small towns, where they're free to destroy property, run down streets and appear to strangers with collar license tags reading, "Please return me to my single and attractive female owner who is bitter and hates Christmas but can change with a little eye contact and close lipped make out session."  Cats tend to be confined to the house and litter box, but they do have their place on occasion. Hell I'm sure at some point hamsters and snakes will throw their furry and scaly hats into the ring, so long as they don't work together. 


Santa Jr., Snow, My Santa, Christmas Mail, Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus, and Annie Claus Is Coming To Town (my personal favorite of this sub-genre), all deal with one of Santa’s offspring venturing out into the real world, spreading the true meaning of Christmas and/or finding love. It's kind of like a Yuletide version of the Amish Rumspringa, without the wide brim hats and a different kind of head covering.

Subtly referred to as Miss Annie Claus.

Say it out loud if you don't get it.

I'm looking forward to Larry Claus, it's not an actual movie in production but it seems inevitable. 

Furthermore, there's dozens of films about Angels on assignment.  There's at several about free spirited American girls causing havoc and then warming the hearts in uptight British royal households (A Princess For Christmas and A Royal Christmas are the ones I know of, more on those later) and also least two shameless rip-offs of Groundhog Day (Pete's Christmas and A Christmas Wedding Date, the latter of which is so blatant I was shocked it didn't have a "Based on" credit). And don't get me started on modern updates of A Christmas Carol, a sub genre I thought was finally dead until I saw It's Christmas, Carol pop up last year. 

In fact, these things are so generic; most of them can't shake an underlying horror . . .

2) THE EXPOSITIONS ARE SURPRISINGLY FULL OF TRAGEDY AND DEATH

A lot of these movies are geared towards Generation X'ers or Baby Boomers. With this older audience, many films need stars beyond Millennial age. In order to make sure they're not depicted as spinsters, a previous committed relationship needs to be established before the characters become single, and it's often tied to the reason they almost always insist they're "just not ready yet." While there are a few divorcees and exes out there in cheddarland, for the most part there's a wide array of dead wives, husbands, even siblings, and our leads are almost always left as single parents as a result. James Van Der Beek in Mrs. Miracle? Dead wife. Teri Polo in Christmas Shepherd? Dead husband. AJ Buckley in Christmas Mail? Dead sister. And now James won't play the piano, Teri's dog is her best friend and AJ is raising his niece. Andy Garcia's wife in the serious drama Christmas In Conway? Alive. WHEW!!! And . . . oh crap, and she's dying of cancer (oh for Christ’s s—). Personally I think they crossed a line with that one, I don't watch these movies to get depressed (have no idea if she dies in the movie, I shut the damn thing off in ten minutes). It was a bit of a break in the tradition, and that’s a problem, because normally . . .

3) YOU CAN PRACTICALLY SET YOUR WATCH TO THE FORMULA

With about 15 minutes left to go in the movie Fir Crazy, the pretty girl who sells Christmas trees, having just triumphantly saved her tree lot, invites her male romantic co-lead to celebrate Christmas with her and the rest of the ensemble. He says no, saying he has "a thing," leaving our heroine feeling sad and rejected as the film is drawing to a close. Fear not, pretty lady, this noticeably forced moment has been brought to you by the Christmas romcom formula, and your man is just hitting his mark like he's supposed to. Don't want to risk breaking protocol and confusing a whole lot Hallmark channel fans. For those not familiar, the formula goes like this:

Step 1: The Introductions

The leads are introduced, usually somewhere in their element. There's a lot of active career people here so they're usually in the midst of some demanding work task so we know how driven they are. Their single status is made clear, and there's usually a best friend character around to urge their progress and provide necessary background of the death involved or hopefully something less tragic ("Gee Agnes, when are you going to get back out there? It's been six months since you and Bob broke up . . ." etc.).

Step 2: The Meeting

If this doesn't involve a domesticated animal as previously covered, there's the usual awkward exchange, very often one character will make some kind of nervous gesture via fumfered speech or bout of clumsiness that makes their attraction obvious to anyone except the potential partner in question, the kind that people don't actually do in real life.

Uh, hi, I'm James, I have a dead wife 

and a . . . daughter, or something.

Step 3: The Courtship. 

Sometimes this happens in the basic way: dinners attended and long walks are taken. More often though, the couple are not actually dating, they've been thrown together for some kind of seasonal project: they're putting on a Christmas pageant, planning some kind of party or something more charitable, like trying to save something beloved from getting closed or destroyed (a lot of rec centers and homeless charities get saved in these things). Anything that requires long hours of constant contact. This is what leads to . . .

Step 4: The Denial.

For some reason, this is a small but essential stop in the development of the leads' relationship. Normally it's because one of the characters has established themselves to be emotionally unavailable in Step 1. For whichever reason, they've decided they're at a point in their lives when they "just don't have time" for romance, because in this universe, having a career/ex-girlfriend or boyfriend/dead spouse destroys the sex drive indefinitely. But after a few one on one sessions of screen time, all it takes is one referential sentence our leads before the expository best friend make the inevitable, "You like, him/her, don't you?!" accompanied with requisite sheepish grin. The lead usually goes, "Oh no, no . . ." Then runs through their preselected reasons why they're just not ready for a relationship. It's all part of the timeless art of seduction, not so much between the characters, more between the film itself and the audience, even though for the most part, it's, "You had me at 'Push Play.'"

Step 5: The Hookup or Unresolved Sexual Tension

Step 5 is interesting in that there are two options. Sometimes the leads hook up at this point. Usually there are children involved in these scenarios as these movies are often about kids finding parents in addition to people finding love. Sex is only implied; these movies are TV G so we can never be sure if coitus is actually taking place. As mentioned, there's usually a kid who's craving the attention of their new mommy or daddy and will never get the hell out of the room, much less the house, and seeing as these are family oriented films, you won't see James Van Der Beek tossing his kids a twenty dollar bill, saying, "Run to the pizza place down the street for an hour and knock yourself out," so he can finally have sex with his gorgeous new girlfriend in Mrs. Miracle.

Worth the wait.

And patience is a virtue, 

but for fuck’s sake there's a limit.

Better make it two hours, the little guys can see a movie or something. Kids love to wander around unsupervised by themselves, they'll be fine. 

More often, the next hour or so will be spent with the constant rise in sexual tension. Lots of fixed gazes are exchanged, funny moments suddenly snap serious and near-miss physical contact moments are broken up by some idiot with no sense of what's going on. And there's no, "Oops, sorry, I'll go, you guys get to making out," it's just business as usual from that point forward. And for some reason, tension interruptus is as final as the human orgasm. There's no one in these movies waiting for the stupid kid or best friend who barged in without looking to leave and then pulling the potential mate aside and saying, "You know that thing we were about to do about 2 minutes ago? Well my motor's still running, how about yours?" In the animal kingdom, they don't just let the matter drop because some schlimazel forced them to pause for a breakbeat. Guess there's something to be said for being less evolved.

Step 6: The Last Minute Obstacle

The Last Minute Obstacle, or LMO as I like to call it, is extremely important to create a conflict to overcome and make the inevitable happy ending all the more uplifting. Logical progressions towards the inevitable commitment cannot exist in this world; somewhere between the 90 and 105 minute marks, something needs to happen to temporarily drive the leads apart and throw them into states sorrow they feel are hopelessly permanent. In Angels and Ornaments, the girl's ex reenters the picture. In Cookie Cutter Christmas, the male is tricked into believing his girl got close to him just to steal a cookie recipe and win a contest. In A Nanny For Christmas, the man finds out the girl's been lying about being an advertising executive (if it's not obvious, she's a nanny). We all know these things will work themselves out, but without the LMO, the filmmakers would need to find an original way to fill 10-15 minutes. Why waste the time and effort?

Step 7: The Reconciliation

Remember our friends in Fir Crazy? Well the guy just went to volunteer at a soup kitchen like he does every Christmas Eve (he's got a heart of gold of course), and for whatever reason he couldn't just say that to begin with. Of course, he shows up just time to explain himself and the love can finally blossom. Likewise, in Angels and Ornaments, our girl finally realizes what a piece of shit her ex is. Cookie Cutter Christmas: the real culprit feel guilty and fesses up. And in A Nanny For Christmas, the guy simply gets over it.  We all know it's coming, the interesting part is the varying degrees of chastity it all goes down with. After days or weeks of having throbbing junk for each other, the big payoff is a closed mouth kiss that lasts for all of two seconds. One of the commandments of Christmas cheddar is "Honor thy TV G rating and keep it holy." The open mouth is strictly forbidden and slipping the tongue is quite simply out of the question. Presumably that leads to TV PG and we sure can't have that, now can't we? At least that's the case for The Hallmark Channel. I made this astute observation a couple of weeks into Morgan Spurlocking myself with this grand experiment, then eventually I noticed that it's really Hallmark that sticks to this grade school idea of romance. Lifetime and Ion are not as bound by this 1930's set of standards and practices; open mouths abound and the dream fulfillment of our characters actually last longer than the average sneeze. Lifetime and Ion are practically porn compared to Hallmark (Up is too new to make a ruling on this point), and if you have any affinity for the characters at all, you'll admit it's a good thing. Because let's face it, there's a lot being taken on faith with these movies. Love not only conquers all, in the Christmas Cheddar universe, it's the most important thing there is. Not to say it not a critical element in life, but the characters seem to sacrifice a lot to obtain it. Cross country moves are made and lucrative career making jobs are given up for the sake of that all important emotional bond.  And I'm just going to come out and say what every sensible person secretly thinks when this allegedly happy ending comes, they haven't fucked yet. Let's not kid ourselves, sex is an important part of the relationship no matter how mentally connected we are. And yes, the sexiest part of the human body is the mind (so they say), but just imagine being Nick in Best Christmas Party Ever, who gives  up a dream acting job so he can stay with Jennie, only to find out the sound of crickets can drown her out in bed? Suppose Rebecca in A Christmas Wedding Date discovers her new beau Chad can only give her 30 seconds of boot knockin' after she's already given up her New York City life to stay in her bumblefuck hometown (characters are always giving up busy city life for simple country life, apparently on Hallmark, cities are evil)? Hopefully for the characters' sakes, they're breaking box springs and headboards while the credits are rolling. Just insert your own Happy Ending joke here.

4) SANTA CLAUS LIVES ON VIA MASS HYSTERIA

You might think I'm talking about movies in which a living Kris Kringle is there to bring us presents and the true meaning of giving but I'm not. I'm talking about the same plain old December romances with little or no supernatural element. I don't know about you, but I put it together when I was 5 or 6 years old that it would be impossible for a fat man in an red suit to fly around the entire world and deliver presents. Maybe it's due to limited on-set time thanks to child labor laws, but a lot of these kids seem awfully old to still be believing in Santa Claus. I'll overlook 6, 7, maybe 8, but when you're at the point where you're pushing the big 1-0, you're really stretching the limits of reality and hitting the point where Santa should be considered a manifestation of delusional behavior and the child needs to be sent for cult deprogramming.

I won't let the men with the red and green straightjacket take you away.

5) THEY'RE A DUMPING GROUND FOR HAS BEENS

It's no shock that you won't see Scarlett Johansson or Robert Downy Jr. in one of these movies. You may see a big name (or at least semi-big) but only ones who are well past their prime. Ten years ago Sean Astin was a major part of Lord of the Rings, one of the biggest film franchises in history. Then after multiple awards and nominations for Return Of The King, maybe getting snubbed by the Oscar committee is partly why a decade later he’s playing Santa’s head elf (modernized with a business suit and blue tooth headset) in The Santa Switch (and it’s not even the film’s lead role). 

Still better than doing another Adam Sandler movie.

Actually, it's probably not, a Best Supporting Actress Oscar in 1996 couldn't stop Mira Sorvino from ending up as the titular lead in Finding Mrs. Claus two years ago (in which she gets drunk, gambles her money away and an elf falls in love with a prostitute. Not even kidding.). We've already mentioned Dawson Creek's James Van Der Beek (though in fairness to him, Don't Trust The B----- In Apartment 23 deserved a longer life) and film star Andy Garcia, but the list goes on. Former film star/headline lesbian Anne Heche just popped up in One Christmas Eve. Check your local listings for The Night Before The Night Before Christmas with Flashdancer/L-Word alum Jennifer Beals. And Caroline Rhea and The Hoff himself, David Hasselhoff can both be seen in the batshit crazy The Christmas Consultant. I for one am happy to see them getting work. Well, maybe not David Hasselhoff but what ya gonna do? In fact . . .

6) FOR SOME IT'S BECOME AN ENTIRE CARRER

With at least four Christmas flicks under her belt (two days this year alone) and with more on the way per IMDb, Lacey Chabert, best known for Party Of Five and walking away from the Family Guy millionaire money tree (she was the original Meg Griffin for those not in the know), is rapidly becoming the queen of Christmas TV Cheddar. She may have a serious contender for the title in Candice Cameron Burke, aka Full House's DJ Tanner, who has four to her credit as well. They've surpassed Hercules' own Kevin Sorbo, who's done several himself over the past couple of years. Meanwhile, Sybil and Justified's redheaded beauty Alicia Witt has come barreling in from behind to the front of the pack by fitting three into the last two years. 


But as there often is, there is one to rule them all. One man who is the undisputed king, the number one hero, and the patron saint of Christmas Cheddar. That man's name is (drum roll)...

How did Dean Cain find his way into not one, but two movies about Santa on trial? Simple law of percentages; he's done so many of these goddamn things that a sub-genre was bound to repeat itself eventually. It seems like not too long ago the former Superman’s career was dead and his only exposure was gossip mags publishing pictures that showed how fat he got. But a quick check in IMDb tells the story that followed. Seven or eight years years ago he started dabbling when he appeared in A Christmas Wedding. It was a few years until he returned to the genre with The Dog Who Saved Christmas but apparently that that’s all it took to open the floodgates. Here’s what happened between 2010 and this year:

A Nanny For Christmas

The Dog Who Saved Christmas Vacation

The Case For Christmas

The Dog Who Saved The Holidays

Defending Santa

Small Town Santa

A Belle For Christmas

Merry Ex-Mas

And our hero is not stopping there. There’s three more in production for next year. And he’s not done. You may have noticed a number of The Dog Who Saved . . . films. Evidently it’s become something of a franchise, and Mr. Cain, who clearly has learned to not let go of a good thing, is branching the Dog Who Saved empire into all the other holidays, as you can also be on the lookout for The Dog Who Saved Halloween and The Dog Who Saved Easter. At this rate I expect we’ll soon have The Dog Who Saved Valentine’s Day, The Dog Who Saved St. Patrick’s Day, The Dog Who Saved Veteran’s Day, The Dog Who Saved Arbor Day, The Dog Who Saved Tuesday, why let it end? And I say more power to Dean and the rest of the career TV Noël bunch. It’s actually very difficult to make a career as an actor if you haven’t hit or maintained stardom, if you manage to find your niche, run with it. And for those who haven’t quite found it yet . . .

7) THAT GUY OR THAT GIRL WHO WAS IN THAT THING IS IN THIS THING (AND PROBALY CANADIAN)

Christmas cheddar is not just a haven for has beens, it’s also those who’ve risen above the “never was” status and kept the work going but never quite found the breakthrough to make them a known name. You know the face, you’ve seen them in something, you might even like their work, but you couldn’t come up with their name if you were held at gunpoint. Or sometimes you have absolutely no idea who the hell they are and you're left wondering how such an unknown ended up with a lead role, even on basic cable. When this happens, it's usually a woman and chances are, she’s Canadian. There's a lot of Canadian leading ladies in Christmas Cheddar, and there’s a couple of reasons for this. First, a lot of these films are made and cast in Canada where production costs are cheaper (look out for LOTS of Manhattan stock footage cut between actors walking down generic sidewalks). Second, most of these actresses are highly active in Canadian television and film and are well experienced despite being virtually unknown by American audiences. And of course, Canadian women are beautiful. So if you want to find a gorgeous girl who knows how to act, is familiar with the process that you don’t have to pay very much, go visit our friends to the North. 

Our colors are red and white too.

As for the American nationals, they’ll have one, maybe two things you may remember them from. Here’s a number of examples, of which you probably won’t know the name but you may recognize the credits (or nationality):

Marla Sokoloff (A Christmas Wedding Date)

The girlfriend from Dude, Where’s My Car who’s not Jennifer Garner

Chelan Simmons (A Christmas Wedding Date, A Christmas Bounty)

Canadian

Teri Polo (The Christmas Shepherd, Christmas Angel)

Ben Stiller’s girlfriend/wife in the Meet The Parents movies

Donovan Scott (Matchmaker Santa, The Santa Switch, both in which he makes a great Santa)

Leslie Barbara, the fat guy in Police Academy

Bonnie Sommerville (A Holiday Engagement)

Ross’ girlfriend Mona on Friends

Emmanuelle Vaugier (A Nanny For Christmas, It’s Christmas, Carol)

Canadian

Richard Ruccolo (A Nanny For Christmas)

The guy from Two Guys, A Girl And A Pizza Place who’s not Ryan Reynolds

Sarah Lancaster (Fir Crazy)

Chuck’s sister from Chuck

Erin Karplunk (Mrs. Miracle)

Canadian

Maria Thayer (Annie Claus Is Coming To Town)

The redheaded blind girl who goes on a date with Kenny but he’s too nervous to talk so Tracy Morgan speaks for him in that episode of 30 Rock

Emily Hampshire (Hitched For The Holidays)

Canadian

Sarah Carter (One Starry Christmas)

Canadian

Kimberly Sustad (The Nine Lives Of Christmas)

Canadian

Lindy Booth (Christmas Magic, The Twelve Trees Of Christmas)

Night Bitch from Kick-Ass 2 and the redhead from the Dawn Of The Dead remake. Oh, and she’s also Canadian.

8) MORE ACTORS ARE ALIVE THAN YOU REALIZE

I seriously thought Florence Henderson was probably dead until she popped up two years ago, very much alive and well, in Matchmaker Santa, rubbing elbows with Lacey Chabert and whoever the hell the male lead was. The long forgotten will always have a place in Christmas Cheddar land. When Momma’s Family/Carol Burnett Show star Vicki Lawrence showed up as Mrs. Claus in Annie Claus Is Coming To Town, I breathed a sigh of relief. I thought the same thing when I saw Happy Days' Marion Ross still knocking about in A Perfect Christmas List. Even after Toy Story 3, I was pretty sure Wallace Shawn was a disembodied spirit voice until he appears very active on the physical plane this year in Christmas At Cartwright's. And you know who’s still alive? The Baby Boomer’s James Bond, Roger Moore. I thought his passing would have been big news, so I hadn't been assuming he was dead, but it had been such a long time that I figured if he hadn't passed on to the big HQ in the sky, he was probably somewhere thinking it’s 1922, calling his nurse by his first wife’s name and sucking his meal through a straw. But there he was all of a sudden in A Princess For Christmas, armed with plenty of hair dye and perfectly lucid. It just goes to prove that no one is ever truly dead as long as there’s Screen Actor’s Guild health insurance that’s in danger of running out.

9) THE CHRISTMAS FACTOR VARIES

When you tune into a TV Christmas Cheddar flick, there's actually no guarantee you're going to get a Christmas movie, no matter what the promos say. All movies have a Christmas factor, from the high factor ones that are steeped in the leaves of Noël, to the low factor selections that are just vapid romcoms that happen to take place in December.


Let's take two examples: All I Want For Christmas and the similarly themed Naughty Or Nice. Both are about desperate career women who've obtained a magical item that gives them insight into other people's secrets. They use it to their advantage, then things go awry and both women learn they need to rely on their own newfound sense of empathy to undo the damage they've done. Despite the nearly identical premise of the two, the divergence Christmas factors lead to two entirely difference December experiences. In All I Want For Christmas, Melissa Sagemiller (Mr Woodcock) plays an advertising exec who gets a pin that enables her to read people's thoughts. She uses her newfound advantage to land an important new client and maneuver around a business rival. Eventually, she lands the client and falls in love with said rival with whom she's been doing the unresolved sexual tension mambo with the whole time. If you think that doesn't sound much like a Christmas story, you're right. 

It was this or a hair clip that gets me 10% off at Starbucks.

This could take place any month of the year. It's just given a seasonal dressing: the pin was given to her by a mall elf who turns out to be real, Christmas parties and other celebrations are used as scene settings and she's got a nephew who wants some toy and still thinks Santa is real (see point 4). Even the title is just a subterfuge; "All I Want For Christmas" doesn't reference anything in the plot of the movie, it's just a generic Christmas movie name they slapped on, the same way a bootlegger would put a label of a brand name on a phony item. On top of that, it takes place in California, so it has no seasonal setting feel, there's no snow, and spring clothes abound. Thank god at least they didn't try to decorate any palm trees. I don't know if you've seen what happens when you put Christmas lights on one of those things, but let's just say it's not safe for work (look it up, I'll wait). Christmas factor: LOW. Even as a Christmas movie, this one's a dud.


Then take Naughty Or Nice. Hilarie Burton (One Tree Hill) plays Krissy, who is also an ad exec, until she's fired and is forced to take a temp job gift wrapping in the Santa's Village at the local mall.

Feels like Rankin & Bass threw up on me.

Her magical item is Santa Claus' Naughty and Nice list, which tells her the misdeeds of anyone she names. Before long she's exposing the lies and transgressions of anyone in her way, from her business rivals to her mean neighbor who steals everyone's Christmas decorations so she can will the local house decorating contest. This one takes place in California too, but besides being smart enough to tie everything in with some thing from Santa's box of tricks, the constant use of Christmas imagery all throughout makes up for it. There's even a cameo from Kris Kringle himself. Christmas factor: HIGH. If you love Christmas cheddar, put this in your rotation next year.

As you can see, with all these movies having so much in common, it's hard to tell going in if you're about to have your holiday spirits raised or if you're going to be lamenting the two hours of your life you'll never get back (I could have done something more enjoyable, like flossed my teeth or snaked the neighbor's toilet). It’s pretty much trial and error. Find a bad one, just hope you catch on early enough to hit “Stop and Delete” and get on with your life. And the titles aren’t always best way to judge. Movies with the word “Christmas” in the title don’t always have a high Christmas factor. The batshit crazy The Christmas Consultant, in which David Hasselhoff plays a nearly insane, Christmas loving event planner, is over the top ridiculous, but Christmas is a factor in nearly every frame.

Need I say more?

One Starry Christmas on the other hand promises Yule time delights, but is just a romance about a girl who meets a cowboy on a bus from New York to Chicago (again, shut off in 20 minutes). 12 Dog Days Till Christmas (yes, that’s how they spell it) is basically just a movie about a bunch of teenagers trying to save a group of dogs in an animal shelter scheduled to be closed. Nothing to do with Christmas except for the date, some visible wreaths on the doors and public domain holiday trads tossed into the soundtrack. It's excruciating. And again, warm climate. Winter gear and snow is not required for Christmas Cheddar, but it goes a long way. So be wary of films like Christmas In Palm Springs, Christmas On The Bayou and the upcoming Dean Cain vehicle Beverly Hills Christmas.

If you want to play it safe, you can weed out the duds by going for movies with the words “Santa Claus” or either of those words individually in the title. Matchmaker Santa, Call Me Claus, The Santa Switch, The Santa Suit, Finding Mrs. Claus, Defending Santa, Santa Jr.,  and Annie Claus Is Coming To Town all feature the big guy or at least one person from his family. Lessons may be learned, love may be found or red suits may abound, but however it happens, your fill of Christmas spirit is on its way. There’s just one thing about Santa Claus movies to watch out for . . .

10) HUMANIZING SANTA DOESN’T WORK

Maybe you haven't seen as many of these movies as I have (ok, almost certainly haven't, I’m realistic), so let me give you a more mainstream example. Chances are you've seen the animated film, The Polar Express. Be honest, how fucking terrifying was Santa Claus in that movie? You spend the whole movie waiting for St. Nick to show up, and when he finally does, instead of a happy and boisterous old soul, he's a dead serious old curmudgeon with a scowling disposition and a gruff demeanor who doesn't so much as crack a smile, much less laugh and shake like bowl full of jelly.

The fucking elves stole my Prozac again

That’s not a guy who leaves you presents and brings joy to the world, that’s the oldest member of the Sons Of Anarchy fulfilling his community service (guess all his scenes were cut).

Santa is supposed to be jolly, I don't think anyone’s ever disputed that. Maybe it's not realistic for a human, especially one who runs a business with 11 months to mass-produce products for the entire world. But this is a mythological archetype we're talking about, he's supposed to have defining characteristics that remain unchanged. Giving him genuine feelings of fear, anxiety, depression, anger, what have you, strips away the classically unrelenting euphoria that makes him such a beloved character. Without that, all you have is an unkempt old man who wants children to sit in his lap.  In the classic poem A Visit From St. Nicholas (aka ‘Twas The Night before Christmas), does Santa get pissed off because the narrator is watching him the whole time? No, instead of turning to him and saying, “The fuck are you looking at? Take a picture, it’ll last longer,” he disappears up the chimney with a smile and moves on.

To see it done right and wrong, let’s go back to St. Dean of Cain and his two “Santa On Trial” movies. Here’s the beloved Kris Kringle in Defending Santa:

Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.

And here’s allegedly the same guy in The Case For Christmas:

RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!!

Makes you kind of wish Dean lost the case (wouldn't be a big deal, we’ve already learned Santa's got kids who can step up and take over). But we know that kind of depressing ending would violate everything Christmas Cheddar stands for and would make for a pretty bad movie. And there’s enough of those out there. That’s why I’m happy to conclude by reporting . . .

11) EVERY NOW AND THEN A MOVIE THAT’S ACTUALLY GOOD SNEAKS IN

Don’t get too excited, none of these movies will be competing with HBO come Emmy time. But given the high volume of mass production, you’d think that something actually enjoyable January through November would have to come down the chute by accident. And there are a few; the shining flakes in the sea of mediocrity that aren’t as strict with the formula or squeeze out some genuine wit.

I'll give an honorable mention to The Real St. Nick, in which a young man who thinks he's Santa Claus is committed to a hospital psych ward and what follows is like a cross between Miracle On 34th Street and One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest. There's even a Cuckoo referencing mental patient who thinks he's Jack Nicholson and spends the entire movie doing a third-rate Jack impression. And he's played by Sons Of Anarchy's Kenneth Choi, who as you might guess, is Asian.

 Quote, "All I need are Laker tickets." 

You don't need a caption from me.

Too clichéd to call it good, but an above average holiday diversion.

Still confined to the cheddar trappings but filed under "almost good" is the previously mentioned Naughty Or Nice, which sets itself (somewhat) apart with a few less expected deviations. The LMO is still there but played out in slightly less familiar fashion by dropping it in the middle, along with everything else the lead character fucks up by going mad with power. It's not a huge change from chucking it in at the requisite 90-105 minute mark, but after seeing that several dozen times, it's a welcome one. There's a number of genuinely funny moments and multiple plot resolutions which are intertwined in a way that seems less forced than normal. And there's an absolutely beautiful scene when Krissy flips out and tells off an obnoxious brat who desperately had it coming.

Christmas came early for this kid's parents.

How ironic does that Hallmark Channel bug look now? The movie also get bonus points for casting Michael Gross and Meredith Baxter as her parents, who Gen-Xers and fans of TV Land will remember as the parents from the classic sitcom Family Ties. It's still too formulaic to call it a good movie, but in the joy of the season, I'll go ahead and give it a sold 2 1/2 star January to November rating.

Refreshingly good though is The Night Before The Night Before Christmas. The plot centers around an amnesia stricken Santa and the dysfunctional family who tries to help him. Sounds like the typical holiday drivel, but then you have moments like this: photographer mom Jennifer Beals’ teenage daughter laments her mother’s lack of understanding of her, citing the previous Christmas in which she wanted a camera so they can take pictures together. Instead she got a hamburger phone. Beals believed she’d, "think it was cool," to which her daughter replies, “Because you saw it in a movie about a teenager.” That may not mean much right now, but when it aired in 2010, it was a blatant shot at the phony youth sensibilities of Juno, and a pretty pointed one too. The movie has lots of genuinely funny moments like that, and although it eventually degenerates into a saccharine festival of sentimentality, there’s a lot of clever moments and genuine laughs along the way.

Daughter: How do you know he’s not an alien who crash landed on our roof, took the shape of a nice old man just to put us at ease, and as soon as we let our guard down, he’s gonna cut open our heads with a laser and eat our brains out.

Her parents’ response:

(freeze expression and hold for three beats)

Daughter: It can happen.

You probably won’t see that in a Lacey Chabert movie. Three January to November stars.

Even better is Christmas Angel. There's a couple of movies with that same title, this is the one from 2012 starring Teri Polo, Della Reese and newcomer Izabela Vidovic. It was produced by Up, which as mentioned previously, is a faith-based network, but one which is pushing itself towards the mainstream (as Pax did when it became Ion). This may explain why the film is not heavy-handed or off-puttingly righteous, but there is a notable undercurrent of spirituality found throughout. Astoundingly, this turns out to be a good thing, as this is what steers the plot and motivations away from the hackneyed convention that normally plague Christmas Cheddar. Telling the story of Olivia (Vidovic), a little girl who teams up with Elsie (Reese), the mysterious woman who lives next door, to fulfill the Christmas wishes of their town, this appears to be yet another "Angel on assignment" story. But things are not as they seem, and both Olivia and the audience are kept guessing as to Elsie's true nature. Even when the truth is revealed, Elsie still has a back-story motivation we're unaware of, and the reveal is hardly a jaw-dropping twist but welcomingly unexpected. Yes, there's a romantic angle as Olivia tries to find a boyfriend for her single mother Melinda (Polo), but it's a subplot rather than the central action and doesn't distract from the deeper theme of the film. When the inevitable happy ending comes, it's been brought along with enough originality (relatively, for the genre) that it doesn't seem as prepackaged as normal. Throw in a terrific cast and this one's solid family entertainment any month of the year.

Shut up, there's just something in my eye, that's all.

Congratulations, Up. You've outdone Ion, Lifetime and Hallmark by making something even the presence of Kevin Sorbo couldn't ruin. It's a Christmas miracle.